Grief is such a taboo word in our culture. When we think of the word "grief" we usually associate it with death. However, grief simply means deep sorrow which is felt in every phase of motherhood.
I couldn't wait to be a mommy one day. From the very beginning of my life I can remember playing house and always being the mom. I would force my siblings into being my children and even throw some stuffed animals into the mix just so I could have more kids to take care of. I always thought being a mom would be the best job in the world. Now don't get me wrong, it is amazing! However, it's not what I expected it to be.
Yes there are so many joys that motherhood brings. From the birth of your child to their first smile, first-laugh, first-roll-over, and first-step. All of those things bring happiness to my heart just thinking about them. It also brings something I never thought I'd feel...
grief
I have a deep sorrow in the pit of my stomach when I think of motherhood. The debilitating kind that quickly turns into anxiety which leads to tears.
Why?
Why do I feel grief when I think of motherhood? Being a mother is one of the greatest gifts God has ever blessed me with so why am I sad?
I feel a deep sorrow because my children are growing up. Every day they grow and learn something new. They start out so fragile and helpless and little by little God shapes them. Little by little they need me less. They can figure things out on their own and eventually they graduate high school and are off to college. I don't see them every day any more. They don't need their boo-boos kissed and they don't need their favorite blanket to go to sleep.
I feel deep sorrow because my children have health issues. There is no "simple fix." There is no magic pill that will all the sudden ensure immunity from every disease, broken bone, or cavity. I grieve because I cannot fix them. I cannot protect them.
I feel deep sorrow because my children struggle in school. Why can't they listen to the teacher? Why can't they stop talking? Why can't they understand that hands aren't for hitting? Why do they have to go through the tough transitional phase regarding school? Why can't I step in and make everything perfect for them?
I feel deep sorrow because I can't change the world for my kids. Sin has overtaken the world we live in. The good is quickly fading and the bad is engulfing the sweet innocence of life. I want to protect my children from the nasty, the hate, the inappropriate, the danger. But I can't. I can't simply place them in a safety bubble that blurs their vision of the world.
I, as a mother, grieve.
It is okay to feel deep sorrow. It is okay to be 100% raw with your emotions.
When I feel the world closing in on my grief I remember the one who paid it all. God sent His one and only son to die for me. He went through the ultimate grief as a parent, losing their one and only child. Can you imagine? The sacrificial love of my sweet God that He was willing to give up His son for me so that I may know Him.
It is okay to feel deep sorrow in the journey of motherhood.
With happiness comes grief for me. However, I don't have to stay in a constant state of grief. I can rejoice. I can sing the highest praises knowing that God not only has my back but that He has a plan for His children. He is watching over my sweet precious reds every second of every day. He is rejoicing with me.
But more importantly, He is grieving with me. He wipes away every tear every doubt I have.
If you're in the trenches you are not alone. You have a heavenly Father who loves you more than you could ever possibly fathom.
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